PREMATURE EJACULATION - FAQS
Q. What is P.E.? (Premature Ejaculation)
A. Premature is defined as "occurring before the correct time". Trying to define a correct or "normal" length of time to maintain erection is impossible. It will vary from couple to couple as well as with each encounter. At times a "quickie" will be perfectly acceptable while at other times it will be disappointing.
The goal of every sexual encounter should be, that both partners have a satisfactory experience, regardless of how long it takes. When that does not happen, ejaculation has been premature.
Q. How common is the problem?
A. Extremely common. P.E. is the most common male sexual dysfunction dealt with by sex therapists. Considering that the average time for North American men from entry to ejaculation is two minutes, it would be fair to say that most men ejaculate prematurely.
Q. Will the old suggestion for controlling, which involves thinking about non-sexual things to distract yourself work?
A. For some men, this technique may actually delay ejaculation for a very short time, but at what cost? You are there to enjoy the sexual experience, not to think about baseball statistics or car crashes. So, even if this does work, it may make the experience better for your partner but what about you? In addition, if you get good enough at this technique, it will probably not be long before you start to lose your erection. Then you have two problems to resolve: premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction.
Q. What about the sprays and lotions they offer in magazines and online?
A. These preparations are generally topical anesthetics. Like the injection your dentist gives you, they temporarily "freeze" the nerves, so you can't feel the stimulation. Although this may delay ejaculation for a very short time, what is the point? Everything I said in response to the last question applies to this. In addition to you not experiencing pleasure, this stuff can rub off on your partner decreasing her sensation and pleasure. Lastly, some men or their partners can have allergic reactions that may result in weeks of pain, swelling and itchiness of the genitals. Don' t waste your money.
Q. What about the breathing techniques that are recommended on some websites?
A. Any breathing or relaxation techniques can be useful to help you get centered and focused on your body before you have sex. Once you start, however, concentrating on your breathing will just be a distraction, and will therefore have the same negative effects mentioned above for the distraction techniques.
Q. Is it true that some prescription medications will delay ejaculation?
A. Yes. Some drugs (mainly antidepressants) will retard ejaculation in some men. They are potent medications that can have serious side effects. Any knowledgeable physician will only prescribe these drugs as a last resort.
Q. Why don't we learn to control naturally?
A. Controlling ejaculation is not natural. First, there is no evolutionary background for control. Human beings are the only animals who wish to control ejaculation. It is a part of the system that is built into all animals for only one reason, which is, procreation. Perpetuation of the species is its only function. No other animals, are interested in delaying ejaculation.
They want to get their sperm into their partner's vagina as quickly as possible, before some predator or competitor attacks them. We are the first animals to want to prolong the experience. To want to enjoy the experience, not just get it over with as quickly as possible.
Second, for most men, earliest sexual experiences were with masturbation, and were almost always done in secret and done quickly, to avoid discovery.
Third, most early sexual experiences with partners have been in circumstances where speed was an asset not a liability. Back seats of cars, parent's living rooms, and prostitutes do not encourage lengthy encounters.
Fourth, and most important, nobody teaches their kids to control ejaculation. If we lived in a society where it was as important to teach boys to control ejaculation as it is to teach them to control their bladders, P.E. would not exist.
With these four factors operating, is it any wonder that most men are not able to control.
Q. How long will it take to learn to control?
A. As with any learning experience, different men will learn at different rates. If you practice daily it could be just weeks, or rarely, less. If you practice once a week it could take months.
The key to learning quickly is working at it consistently. When you learn any skill, such as playing the piano or playing tennis, you need to spend many hours practicing before you can relax and enjoy it. The same is true of learning ejaculatory control.
Q. Do I need a partner to help me?
A. No. A man can learn to control the reflex by himself. When he carries it into a relationship, there are some exercises that will ease the transition. Contrary to the original findings of Masters and Johnson, many sex therapists, have found that learning to control is something a man can do alone.
Q. Are there any physical causes of P.E.?
A. Rarely acute prostatitis, neurological injury or taking decongestants may cause P.E.
Q. Are there psychological causes of P.E.?
A. In most cases no. The exceptions are men with severe psychological problems for whom P.E. is one of many symptoms. In the majority of cases the condition is simply the result of maladaptive learning, and there are no deep dark psychological problems. Of course, anxiety around being able to "perform", does impact the condition.
Anxiety and/or depression may not be the cause of P.E., but they may develop as the result. Fortunately, these conditions almost always clear up once control has been learned.
Q. Does having P.E. indicate a serious problem in my relationship or mean that deep down I really do not love my partner?
A. Not in most cases. In the men I have treated, most have had otherwise good and healthy relationships. Problems in the relationship may arise as the result of P.E., but they too usually clear up once control is learned.
Q. Should I see a therapist about this problem?
A. If severe emotional or marital problems accompany P.E., consultation is essential. In the majority of cases, following the instructions in this book will solve the problem.
Q. How do I find a qualified therapist?
A. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy at: www.aamft.org
The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists at: www.aasect.org
Q. What is P.E.? (Premature Ejaculation)
A. Premature is defined as "occurring before the correct time". Trying to define a correct or "normal" length of time to maintain erection is impossible. It will vary from couple to couple as well as with each encounter. At times a "quickie" will be perfectly acceptable while at other times it will be disappointing.
The goal of every sexual encounter should be, that both partners have a satisfactory experience, regardless of how long it takes. When that does not happen, ejaculation has been premature.
Q. How common is the problem?
A. Extremely common. P.E. is the most common male sexual dysfunction dealt with by sex therapists. Considering that the average time for North American men from entry to ejaculation is two minutes, it would be fair to say that most men ejaculate prematurely.
Q. Will the old suggestion for controlling, which involves thinking about non-sexual things to distract yourself work?
A. For some men, this technique may actually delay ejaculation for a very short time, but at what cost? You are there to enjoy the sexual experience, not to think about baseball statistics or car crashes. So, even if this does work, it may make the experience better for your partner but what about you? In addition, if you get good enough at this technique, it will probably not be long before you start to lose your erection. Then you have two problems to resolve: premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction.
Q. What about the sprays and lotions they offer in magazines and online?
A. These preparations are generally topical anesthetics. Like the injection your dentist gives you, they temporarily "freeze" the nerves, so you can't feel the stimulation. Although this may delay ejaculation for a very short time, what is the point? Everything I said in response to the last question applies to this. In addition to you not experiencing pleasure, this stuff can rub off on your partner decreasing her sensation and pleasure. Lastly, some men or their partners can have allergic reactions that may result in weeks of pain, swelling and itchiness of the genitals. Don' t waste your money.
Q. What about the breathing techniques that are recommended on some websites?
A. Any breathing or relaxation techniques can be useful to help you get centered and focused on your body before you have sex. Once you start, however, concentrating on your breathing will just be a distraction, and will therefore have the same negative effects mentioned above for the distraction techniques.
Q. Is it true that some prescription medications will delay ejaculation?
A. Yes. Some drugs (mainly antidepressants) will retard ejaculation in some men. They are potent medications that can have serious side effects. Any knowledgeable physician will only prescribe these drugs as a last resort.
Q. Why don't we learn to control naturally?
A. Controlling ejaculation is not natural. First, there is no evolutionary background for control. Human beings are the only animals who wish to control ejaculation. It is a part of the system that is built into all animals for only one reason, which is, procreation. Perpetuation of the species is its only function. No other animals, are interested in delaying ejaculation.
They want to get their sperm into their partner's vagina as quickly as possible, before some predator or competitor attacks them. We are the first animals to want to prolong the experience. To want to enjoy the experience, not just get it over with as quickly as possible.
Second, for most men, earliest sexual experiences were with masturbation, and were almost always done in secret and done quickly, to avoid discovery.
Third, most early sexual experiences with partners have been in circumstances where speed was an asset not a liability. Back seats of cars, parent's living rooms, and prostitutes do not encourage lengthy encounters.
Fourth, and most important, nobody teaches their kids to control ejaculation. If we lived in a society where it was as important to teach boys to control ejaculation as it is to teach them to control their bladders, P.E. would not exist.
With these four factors operating, is it any wonder that most men are not able to control.
Q. How long will it take to learn to control?
A. As with any learning experience, different men will learn at different rates. If you practice daily it could be just weeks, or rarely, less. If you practice once a week it could take months.
The key to learning quickly is working at it consistently. When you learn any skill, such as playing the piano or playing tennis, you need to spend many hours practicing before you can relax and enjoy it. The same is true of learning ejaculatory control.
Q. Do I need a partner to help me?
A. No. A man can learn to control the reflex by himself. When he carries it into a relationship, there are some exercises that will ease the transition. Contrary to the original findings of Masters and Johnson, many sex therapists, have found that learning to control is something a man can do alone.
Q. Are there any physical causes of P.E.?
A. Rarely acute prostatitis, neurological injury or taking decongestants may cause P.E.
Q. Are there psychological causes of P.E.?
A. In most cases no. The exceptions are men with severe psychological problems for whom P.E. is one of many symptoms. In the majority of cases the condition is simply the result of maladaptive learning, and there are no deep dark psychological problems. Of course, anxiety around being able to "perform", does impact the condition.
Anxiety and/or depression may not be the cause of P.E., but they may develop as the result. Fortunately, these conditions almost always clear up once control has been learned.
Q. Does having P.E. indicate a serious problem in my relationship or mean that deep down I really do not love my partner?
A. Not in most cases. In the men I have treated, most have had otherwise good and healthy relationships. Problems in the relationship may arise as the result of P.E., but they too usually clear up once control is learned.
Q. Should I see a therapist about this problem?
A. If severe emotional or marital problems accompany P.E., consultation is essential. In the majority of cases, following the instructions in this book will solve the problem.
Q. How do I find a qualified therapist?
A. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy at: www.aamft.org
The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists at: www.aasect.org